Black Mass

Black Mass

What it is: The struggle between Johnny Depp’s lack of artistic integrity and Benedict Cumberbatch’s mass appeal.

Pros: +Very intriguing pacing of the trailer.

+Likable lead.

Cons: -Let’s see…Suddenly tense dinner, double speak, extravagant spending of money. Looks like all the gangster movie cliches are here.

Overall score: 2/5 stars (I probably won’t go see this movie)

Nothing really screams out to me in this trailer. It seems like just another generic crime movie. And, as mentioned earlier, I just wanted to see if Cumberbatch could carry a Johnny Depp movie, but he didn’t even show up!

Cowboys Vs. Dinosaurs

Cowboys Vs. Dinosaurs

What it is: The lowest quality trailer I’ve reviewed since Iron Sky 2: The coming race

Pros: +Appropriate level of effort was clearly put into this trailer.

+Trailer is for a direct to video movie, so I never have to see this movie again, unless I feel like punishing myself for something.

Cons: -So a black guy wielding AK-47s is a cowboy? They’ve really lowered their standards.

-That’s right, hide in a washing machine, because there’s no way in hell a raptor has the capability to push a button.

Overall Score: 0/5 stars (I won’t go see this movie.)

Cowboys Vs. Dinosaurs is the perfect movie for anyone who thought Sharknado didn’t have enough dinosaurs or rednecks. And no one else. Trying to look on the bright side, here, but no bright side is to be found.

The Farewell Party

The Farewell Party

What it is: A euthanasia ring is started by the only people who can get away with it morally: the elderly.

Pros: +The same humor you’d expect from a film with subtitles.

+Raises discussion on a serious issue, and does so in an entertaining way.

Cons: -Might be tricky to find a theatre playing this near me.

Overall score: 4/5 stars (I might go see this movie.)

I really am intrigued by this movie, and hope I can see it someday. It’s a breath of fresh air from the usual senior citizen movies we’ve been exposed to over the years. Plus, it’s a great way to practice your Israeli (assuming that’s the language their speaking).

Infini

Infini

What it is: Luke Hemsworth stars in a reboot of Alien.

Pros: +Excessive screaming gives a good reason to stop watching the trailer early.

Cons: -I’m pretty sure they used that same city setting in the new Total Recall.

-“The highest paying jobs are also the most dangerous?” Tell that to the lawyers and actors in the world.

Overall score: 0/5 stars (I won’t go see this movie)

With an unoriginal plotline, and the least noteworthy of the Hemsworth brothers, this movie has absolutely no redeeming qualities. Basically, someone took The Thing, put it in space, and gave it a silly title. Definitely not seeing this trailer again.

Barely Lethal

Barely Lethal

What it is: A Disney channel movie gone badass.

Pros: +You don’t need to actually watch the trailer to enjoy me ripping on it.

Cons: -Entire plot line is spoon fed to you.

-Totally unoriginal premise.

-Jokes make zero sense.

Overall score: 0/5 stars (I won’t go see this movie.)

There is one good thing to say about this trailer, it’s nice to see a woman play a international arms dealer. That field’s been male dominated for a bit too long. This film is basically You don’t mess with the Zohan minus the political commentary, which was the only reason I can justify watching You don’t mess with the Zohan.

When Marnie was There

When Marnie was there

What it is: The antithesis to that live action Attack on Titan movie I hear is coming out.

Pros: +Soundtrack keeps my rage at all the ghost movie cliches in check.

Cons: -Sterotypical androgynous anime heroine/hero.

-Look, call me biased, but I like my anime with giant mecha and laser beams being shot out of peoples fingers. Like I said, I’m biased, but there’s no reason this movie couldn’t have worked live action.

Overall score: 2/5 stars (I probably won’t go see this movie.)

I’m really not feeling the vibe of this movie. Maybe I’m just ignorant somehow, but it’s just not reaching me. I can see why some people like it, but it just doesn’t speak to me that much. I feel really bad about being so vague here, but I just can’t get my thoughts in order.

Results

Results

What it is: Cobie Smulders, having finished shooting Avengers 2, is doing the other kind of movie she stars in; a rom com.

Pros: +Actually pretty funny. I mean, a guy walking a cat? You can’t make that shit up!

Cons: -When the star of your movie is Cobie Smulders, you don’t really need to bother listing the rest of the cast. No one’s going to know who they are anyways.

-I was honestly enjoying the little love triangle this trailer seemed to be teasing until they kind of gave it away by showing that scene with the two leads looking each other in the eye.

Overall score: 3/5 stars (I might go see this movie.)

As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I’m not a romcom kind of guy, by which I mean a guy with a girlfriend. That being said, this trailer has some great lines, and a silly premise that puts it will above the usual romantic comedy fare. I think I found the winner for the At The Trailers Award for best romantic comedy! Yes, that award is a meaningless as it sounds.

Learning to Drive

Learning to Drive

What it is: The most confusing driver’s ed video you’ll ever watch.

Pros: +Ben Kingsley in a turban!

+Relatable storyline and characters.

Cons: -No real laugh out loud moments.

-I hope they don’t set up the two main leads as a couple. I mean, I know this is supposed to be a rom com, but it’s kind of hard to route for their romance to succeed when we just saw the guy get married.

Overall score: 2/5 stars (I probably won’t see this movie.)

This trailer does everything right to earn a solid C+. While it presents us with a quaint situation, it doesn’t offer any real hook for us to bite on. I feel the jokes are more geared towards the target audience (divorced white women) then anything.

Tale of Tales

Tale of Tales

What it is: ?????

Note: Due to me not being able to figure out what the hell is going on in this trailer, there will be no Pros or Cons section.

Overall score: 0/5 stars (I won’t go see this movie.)

Truth be told, I’m not even sure if I could see this movie if I wanted to. They didn’t say if it was being released in Canada. The only thing I could get from this trailer is Salma Hayek eats a giant heart from some kind of giant mole rat, and John C. Reilly dies. I guess if you hate rat hearts and John C. Reilly, this is the movie you’ve been waiting for.

Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice

What it is: The trailer you all probably watched already, so hopefully that means you’re here to actually read the rest of the post.

Pros: +Bat Power suit!

+Bat plane shooting stuff.

+Good reveal on the desecrated monument to Superman.

Cons: -Hearing Jesse Eisenberg talk makes me realize what a shitty Lex Luthor he’ll be. Lex Luthor should sound like a charismatic leader, seeing as he was at one point president of the United States. Eisenberg sounds like a camp councilor none of the kids respect.

-Nothing we weren’t expecting to see here.

-C’mon, you’re going to give us a title like Batman vs. Superman and not let a single punch be thrown?

Overall score: 4/5 stars (I probably will go see this movie.)

While this trailer doesn’t surprise me in anyway, it does deal with the most important question: Why are Batman and Superman having a throw-down in the first place? We can rest easy knowing that this movie will have plotline, and that we don’t have to see bald Jesse Eisenberg for a little bit longer. On a related subject, I should stop reviewing teaser trailers. I always end up putting my foot in my mouth when the full trailer comes out.