Everly

Everly

What it is: There’s nothing I can say here that won’t spoil the trailer for you.

Pros: +This trailer is pulling of the cheap action movie look very well.

+The first opponent is a hooker with sais? This just got interesting.

Cons: -An Asian villian with a sword? This guy be be either yakuza or triad, or someone’s getting hit with a racism accusation.

-Arming sequence could have been done a little better. Flourishing the sword is one thing, but hiding a gun in Salma Hayek’s bra is a major mistake. Not much room in there. Better hope the thing doesn’t accidentially go off.

Overall score: 4/5 stars (I probably will see this movie.)

Maybe I won’t shell out the cash for this film, but I will definately stream it if I can, probably off of Netflix. I know some people will say this movie looks cheap and stupid, but so are a lot of movies these days. At least this movie sort of embraces it’s cheapness in a way that’s amusing. And in case you didn’t understand the purpose of this blog, I’m allowed to have opinions.

The Loft

The Loft

What it is: The Wolf of Wall Street as a murder mystery. (I’m sure there’s a much more accurate movie I could reference there. If you think of one, just subsitute it in your head. Thank you.

Pros: +What I like about this premise is that we can already see multiple identities for the killer, but their all equally likely! Was it one of the men who killed her? One of their wives? Another mistress? Or a suicide? The fact that I’m even bothering to list them off should give you a good idea how drawn in I am.

+When there’s Latin written in blood on the wall, you know this thriller got real.

Cons: -Does every thriller have to involve a generous amount of sex. Not that I’m complaining, exactly.

-I get the feeling that finding a dead woman in your secret sex palace is probably just in average day for real life rich guys.

Overall score: 3/5 stars (I might go see this movie)

While this trailer certainly appears to have an interesting premise, it doesn’t exactly break ground where thriller movies are concerned. It’s also worth mentioning that this is a remake of a Belgian movie, so there is another version of this movie you can watch elsewhere. On the whole, I’m 100% halfsies on this one.

Kidnapping Mr. Heineken

Kidnapping Mr. Heineken

What it is: Four lowlifes attempt to commit the most heinous crime of all, kidnapping a beer company president.

Pros: +Anthony Hopkins makes the best kidnapping victim. He’s refined enough to look important, and cute enough that you want to rescue him.

+Hopkins does the first psych-out-air-kiss that I didn’t find totally weird.

+Did they mace an old lady? These guys mean business.

Cons: – Based of a Dutch film. Not really a con, per se. Just not entirely sure how I feel about it.

Overall score: 4/5 stars (I probably will go see this movie.)

There hasn’t been a good kidnapping movie in ages, and this trailer seems to set out to right that wrong. With a cast of rugged looking tough guys, and a strong emphasis on the psychotic turmoil that criminals often encounter, this movie looks like it will be fun for any lovers of gritty drama and true crime stories.

All the Wilderness

All the Wilderness

What it is: Further support for my hatred of all things indie.

Pros: +Danny Devito slowly turning into Santa Claus……

Cons: -……for a grand total of 5 seconds.

-Why are we still making coming of age stories? Don’t we all grow up basically in the same way? Doesn’t seem to be much left in that particular well.

-Would have been nice to see some actual wilderness in this trailer. At least the Wild trailer did that.

Overall Score: 1/5 stars (I will not see this movie.)

At least there is one good thing about indie movies; it’s very unlikely that you’ll have to pay to get in. With an obscure premise and a completely unknown cast, this trailer is amongst the many independant films that coast of having one famous person in it.

She’s Funny That Way

She’s Funny that Way

What it is: A romantic comedy with very little romance, or comedy. In a cosmic sense, it’s not really anything.

Pros: +Owen Wilson gets slapped a lot.

Cons: -Not a single likable character in the whole thing.

-Really? You’re going with the old “Put me down, get an insult” joke?

-Trailer shows how terrible the plot is.

Overall score: 0/5 stars (Do not go see this movie)

There are so many things that trailers should never do and this one does. Showing us too much of the plot, showing us how bad the plot is, a minimal amount of gags. If your still an Owen Wilson fan in this day and age, I feel sorry for you. Ironically enough, She’s Funny That Way doesn’t seem to be funny in any sort of way.

Still Alice

Still Alice

What it is: Julianne Moore tackles one of the biggest and most misunderstood issues our society faces today; Kristen Stewart. I’m just kidding, the movie’s about Alzheimers.

Pros: +Trailer is surprisingly cheerful for a movie focusing on such a serious condition.

+Trailer is smart enough to avoid giving away the ending. This is something you want to sit through the whole thing to understand.

Cons: -Trailer seems to oversimplify the storyline. Is there any major conflict in this story besides her condition? They should have played up the whole forgetting her daughter’s name a bit more.

Overall score: 3/5 stars (I might go see this movie.)

As glad as I am that such an unfortunate condition is being giving some focus, this trailer looks a little to artsy-fartsy for my taste. It has a lot of potential to be depressing, and the trailer uses way too many critic quotes. A solid C+ in my books. Or my blog, in this case.

Spy

Spy

What it is: Get Smart with Melissa McCarthy. That actually sounds pretty good.

Pros: +This is a dream cast for a spy movie parody! Statham provides action scenes, McCarthy provides humor, Law gives the movie suave charm and Byrne provides sexual intrique, even though our protagonist is female.

+When the trailer opens with a death by sneezing, you know where in for a good time!

+Seriously funny gags!

Cons: -Some jokes seem recycled from Melissa McCarthy’s earlier movies.

Overall score: 5/5 stars (Go see this movie!)

This is the most promising trailer I’ve seen today! With an all-star cast, a director who knows how to make Melissa McCarthey work, and probably more jokes than what we saw in the trailer, I’d say this is a must see, or at least the trailer is!

The Walk

The Walk

What it is: The only biopic you can justify putting in 3D.

Pros: +This is a biopic I can get behind. About time we focus on the daredevils of history, rather then the civil rights heroes and the political leaders!

+Trailer is easy to follow without spoon-feeding you the premise.

+Excellent costuming and location shots!

Cons: -JGL, where the heck were you in 2014? You think you can just be in everything for the first two years of the 2010, disappear, and then come back like nothing happened? That’s not how being an icon works!

Overall score: 3/5 stars (I might go see this movie)

Unlike other biopics, this trailer promises a story that not many people have heard before. It’s one thing to read about the amazing tightrope walk, or even to have seen it, but it will be quite another to see a movie about it exploring the man who did it. Plus, with a director like Robert Zemeckis, I think we’re in good hands with this movie.

Paddington

Paddington

What it is: Stuart Little with a bear.

Pros: +Trailer doesn’t wait to long to show us what we came for.

Cons: -The bear becomes part of the family? What a twist!

-“Would you like an English name? It would help you assimilate into our human society and make you less threatening to us.”

-Nicole Kidman’s character does realize that it doesn’t matter if the bear can talk or not once it’s been stuffed or not, right? She can just take a regular bear and make it look like it’s doing whatever she wants. In fact, killing Paddington would take away the one thing that makes him special!

Overall score: 1/5 stars (I will not go see this movie.)

Did Hollywood just decide their going to ruin British people’s childhoods? Because that’s kind of what this trailer is doing! Not that I’m British or anything, but if I was, I’d be furious at this trailer. With a lack of gags, a formulaic plot and a bad wig for Nicole Kidman (Seriously, what is it with beautiful women playing the villain in children’s movies?), this movie looks like something your kids might ask you to go see with them, and you’ll be wishing they served beer at the concession stand all the way through it. Also, I should mention there’s a plot summary already on the internet, since this movie is already out in England. So yeah, there’s that.

Mortdecai

Mortdecai

What it is: Possibly the closest review to a theatre release I’ve ever done. Hey, at least that means you won’t have to wait long to see if I’m right or not.

Pros: +Movie is not about spies. We don’t need anymore James Bond parodies.

Cons: -Only good gag is at the end, exactly where you’d expect to find it.

– Unlikable characters

– “It’s not Unusual” by Tom Jones is a weird choice for a trailer. Maybe if you took out the lyrics, it might work.

Overall score: 1/5 stars (I won’t go see this movie.)

While this is a surprisingly original trailer, it didn’t exactly blow me away. And if you’re going to try and sell me a Johnny Depp movie where he wears that moustache, you really need to dazzle me. Long story short, this would seem to be typical Johnny Depp being a goof fare.