At the Trailers: The Worst of 2014

With 2014 drawing to a close, It’s time for a new yearly tradition: The At the Trailers Awards! This is where I pick my favorite and least favorite trailers and stars of this year. Today, I’ll look at the worst of those trailers so I can start the new year with positive thoughts! With that in mind, let’s look at the worst trailers this year!

Worst Action Movie Trailer: John Wick

A lot of people have told me this movie was good, but if so, the trailer captured none of that information. With Keanu Reeve’s melodramatic acting and questionable action clips, John Wick did nothing to capture my interest.

Honorable mention: San Andreas, The Gunman, Outcast

Worst Drama Movie Trailer: Little Boy

With a sickly sweet message, and a needless cameo by Kevin James, Little Boy was one film I knew that I didn’t care to understand. I’m just thankful that this movie will probably not be overhyped in any sense of the word.

Honorable Mention: The Humbling, Serena, Reach Me

Worst Comedy Movie Trailer: Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

Honestly, I feel stupid for even reviewing this trailer. I mean, anyone who actually watches made for TV movies really reaps what they sow. If you read the review of this trailer, you’ll notice the point where my rage actually overcomes my ability to spell.

Honourable Mentions: Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, The DUFF, Sex End

Worst Thriller Movie Trailer: Ex Machina

A creepy cast of nobodies, overused premise and too suggestive ending make this the worst thriller movie trailer I’ve seen, in my opinion, which is what this blog solely consists of.

Honourable mention: Nightcrawler, Blackhat, In the Heart of the Sea

Worst Crime Drama Trailer: Nightcrawler

To be fair, I probably didn’t tag enough movies as Crime Dramas or watch a long enough trailer to really warrant giving the award to this movie. But, life’s tough like that.

Honourable Mentions: Cymbeline, Kill me Three times

Worst Horror Movie trailer: Amityville: The Awakening

Man, was this a tough award to give out. But, after a bit of thought, I realized that of all the horror movie trailers I’ve reviewed, this one has the least potential to be enjoyable. A sad attempt to reanimate a franchise long past it’s time, and an At The Trailers Worst Actress award nominee as the lead secure this trailers award.

Honorable Mentions: The Pyramid, Annabelle, The Woman in Black 2

Worst Romance Movie: The Longest Ride

This trailer was without a doubt the least inspired romance movie I’d ever seen, coasting off of the fame of Nicholas Sparks to tell a completely mundane story.

Honorable Mention: Serena, Suite Francais, Two Night Stand

Worst Sci-fi Movie Trailer: Welcome to Yesterday (Or whatever they call it now).

A film so obscure that they could change it’s title and no one gives a damn! Rightly so, in my opinion. This trailer was just another reason to hate Michael Bay.

Honorable Mention: Iron Sky 2, Insurgent, Interstellar

Worst Historical Movie Trailer: Serena

Hey, Serena got honorable mention for three different categories! I had to give it something!

Honorable Mention: Suite Francais, Outcast, Against the Sun

Worst Fantasy Movie Trailer: Strange Magic

Style over substance. That’s the only thing I have to say about this crapload of CGI that barely passes for a trailer.

Honorable Mentions: Cinderella, Seventh Son, Pan

Worst Musical Trailer: Annie

A needlessly modern update of the most well known musical in the world, starring no one famous for singing.

Honorable Mentions: None, clean sweep for Annie.

Worst Biopic Trailer: Danny Collins

How ironic. Danny Collins would have probably loved to have Al Pachino portray him in a movie. Too bad it only happened after Pachino stopped being in good movies.

Honorable Mentions: To write Love on her Arms, True Story, MacFarlane USA

Worst Animated/Childrens movie trailer: Peanuts

Unappealing to adults, and irrelevant to kids, Peanuts is a zero-demographic trailer. I don’t even care what the movie ends up being like, it can only end in two ways. With more of the same, or completely ruining peanuts.

Honorable mention: Minions, Penguins of Madagascar, Big Hero Six

Worst Actor in a Trailer: Al Pachino

Pachino’s weird ass performances in The Humbling and Danny Collins bagged him this uncoveted award this year. The only reason he beat out Kevin James here is because no one expects anything from Kevin James.

Honorable mention: Kevin James (big surprise there), Ioan Gruffard, Jaime Foxx

Worst Actress in a Trailer: Bella Thorne

Thorne’s two trailer appearences on this blog, The Duff, and Amityville: The Awakening, both ended up getting nominated for Worst of 2014 awards. I get the feeling that we’re going to see Bella Thorne in the news for something, if you know what I mean.

Honorable Mention: Aubrey Plaza, Jennifer Lawrence, Julianne Moore

That about does it for the worst of 2014. I’d like to say that the Best of 2014 will be up for you to read tomorrow, but I have to work and then it’s New Years Eve. Basically, if it doesn’t come up tomorrow, whenever I wake up on Thursday will be when you can expect to read it.

Wild Card

Wild Card

What it is: Jason Statham in Las Vegas. That should tell you all you need to know.

Pros: +Did he just stab a gun? Best ending to a trailer ever!

+When Sofia Vergara smiles at Jason Statham, you know shits about to go down!

Cons: -Was there any purpose at all to the whole rigged fight scene?

-Is blackjack supposed to be a metaphor for something?

-Why are the bad guys coming after him? The scarred girl is the one who apparently castrated that guy!

-Why is this trailer making me ask so many questions?

-Jason Alexender and Sofia Vergara do nothing in this trailer.

Overall score: 1/5 stars (Don’t go see this movie.)

I’m a big fan of Jason Statham, but he plays the same guy in every movie! Even Arnie and Sly mix it up once in a while! I’m of the opinion that a good action movie should be so visually striking, you forget to question all the obvious incongruities. But as you can see in most of the con section, this did not happen. Even with the cool stab-the-gun move, Statham ruins it with a cliched throwing blade to the camera.

To Write Love on Her Arms

To Write Love on Her Arms

What it is: A film that asks a very serious philosophical question: Is it flattering to have Kat Denning portray you in a movie?

Pros: +Trailer acknowledges that the story is by no means unique.

Cons: -What worldwide phenomenon did this girl start? You could be a bit more specific! The bar for phenomenons is set pretty low these days. Justin Bieber’s a phenomenon for crying out loud.

-I had a good line for the “What it is” section. I was going to call it The Secret Life of Walter Mitty with big boobs! Then it got all dramatic on me and ruined it.

-Pretty quick transition from high schooler with mental health issues to rehab patient, if you ask me.

-Corbin Bleu still lives? I thought he was killed in the annual Disney Channel Deathmatch, where the winner gets to have a career outside of youth entertainment?

Overall Score: 1/5 stars (I won’t go see this movie.)

It’s one thing to have more musicians in the credits of a movie than actors, but quite another for those musicians to be obscure as hell. This movie just has the feel of an indie movie, and I think I’ve made my stance clear about indie movies earlier in this blog. Also, the change of town from fanciful to serious really didn’t win me over. This is one trailer I won’t rewatch to make sure I didn’t miss anything.

The Longest Ride

The Longest Ride

What it is: A new adaptation of a novel by Nicholas Sparks, the author of pretty much every other successful romance novel that got adapted to film.

Pros: +The rage I felt after watching this trailer has distracted me from other things that would normally enrage me.

Cons: -So the conflict in this story is that the guy has a dangerous job and an old man warns her that she might outlive him? That’s not a movie plot, that’s something that happens all the time in real life!

-If the female lead is supposed to be a big city girl, why is there only one scene that shows her not wearing country style clothes?

-Great, now there’s a second plotline in case the first one fails!

-What a waste of Alan Alda!

-20th century Fox. I probably should stop writing this as a con. Next time, then.

Overall Score: 0/5 stars (Do not go see this movie).

Okay, I’ll admit it. As a man, I don’t understand the appeal of romance movies. That aside, with a terrible cast, an uninteresting plotline, and way too much coasting off of previous production credits, this movie just comes across as another formulated movie with no originality to it. Although, I must remind you that there is a cheaper version of this movie out. The book itself!

Woman in Gold

Woman in Gold

What it is: Thankfully, not related to The Woman in Black in any way, shape, or form (or so it would seem!).

Pros: +Charles Dance!

+Holy cow! Tatiana Maslany really does look like a younger Helen Mirren. Although, according to Jon Stewart, so does Jennifer Lawrence.

+Good choice, making Ryan Reynolds low status to Helen Mirren. That’s pretty much how it would be in real life.

+Despite this movie featuring Nazis, no one in this trailer seem overly villainous. Except maybe the Nazi firing the gun, but that’s just being realistic.

Cons: -“An unlikely pair”? I don’t know much about lawyers, but I’m pretty sure a lot of them represent friends of their family members.

-Is this based on a true story? Because I think I missed the part where their supposed to say that.

Overall score: 4/5 Stars (I might go see this movie.)

While not terribly exciting, Woman in Gold teases an intriguing story, and great give and take with Reynolds and Mirren. It’s the kind of movie trailer you don’t expect to like, but once you start watching it, you can’t help but watch the other two minutes of it! This is no doubt one of the most well made trailer I have witnessed. A little slow to start, but will worth it.

Kill Me Three Times

Kill Me Three Times

What it is: Simon Pegg attempting to prove that we should be afraid of him, despite appearing in movies where he fights zombies, cultists, and alien robots.

Pros: +Foreign soundtrack is a nice choice. Pretty much all the good North American soundtracks are taken.

+Cast billing is very eyecatching

Cons: -So this movie ends with Simon Pegg, the most likable character in this trailer, getting killed? And this is supposed to make me want to see the movie how?

-Plenty of action movie cliches. “Protagonist walks into a seedy club/bar/strip joint”. “Dimly lit sex scene”, and of course, “Barely determinable plot.”

-Not the best ending line for the trailer.

Overall score: 2/5 stars (I probably won’t go see this movie.)

I like Simon Pegg has much as the next guy, and it’s great to see him try to avoid being pidgeon-holed. I’m just not sure he’s the kind of guy who’d do well in a crime drama. He lightens the atmosphere a bit too much. Plus, in spite of this trailers best efforts to confuse me, I think I know how Simon Pegg dies; he falls in love with Alice Braga and decides to protect her, only to be killed by her in the end. Hey, if I’m right about this, I’m going to have to write a section of this blog for prophecies!

Unfinished Business

Unfinished Business

What it is: Vince Vaughn decides he wants to have fans again and returns to form in this crazy-ass looking comedy. Basically, The Internship without Owen Wilson.

Pros: +Trailer delivers enough gags, while still promising some bigger ones you can see only in theatres.

+Dave Franco, the most understated of the Franco brothers.

Cons: -Amputee joke feels a little long to end the trailer with.

-Curse word in an intertitle. Doesn’t bode will for the movie.

Overall Score: 4/5 stars (I might go see this movie.)

I’m a little wary around Vince Vaughn movies. Sometimes, he tries to go for the feels and ends up tanking the whole movie. Did you ever see The Dilemma? So bad. That being said, this movie doesn’t seem to be trying to play up any emotional content, and promises to be a simple, crazy romp of debauchery. Plus, I have faith that Nick Frost can tickle the old funny bone a bit as well. Still, go see it in theatres at your own risk.

While We’re Young

While We’re Young

What it is: A trailer that poses a question we’ve all asked ourselves at one time or another: When do you think Ben Stiller is going to die?

Pros: +Some gags work very well.

+Dialogue within the intertitles? That’s new!

Cons: –…..Although there’s very few of them.

-Simple premise seems a bit unexciting.

-Trailer is disturbingly melancholy

Overall Score: 3/5 stars (I might go see this movie.)

Honestly, I have no idea what to make of this trailer. Nothing good happens in it, but nothing particularly bad happens either. Nothing happens. It’s the perfect balance of artsy and fartsy. I really don’t have much to say here. Perfectly average in every way.

The Last Five Years

The Last Five Years

What it is: Just in case you didn’t see the last few movies that Anna Kendrick got tagged with on this blog, she just wants you to know she got nominated for a Tony.

Pros: +At least no one can say this trailer is to complicated.

Cons: -I think Julie Andrews is going to sue someone over that whole “spinning in a field” scene.

-Based on the Broadway musical? You mean there’s other places to see musicals besides Mark and Peggy’s Discount Dinner Theatre on Bloor Street?

Overall score: 2/5 stars (I probably won’t go see this movie.)

What is it with all these musicals getting film adaptions? Was there some sort of disaster on the actually Broadway Street and now this is the only way to see them? Plus, Anna Kendrick is getting a little over used these days. Not to say she doesn’t have talent though. All and all, I’m sure fans of the stage version will like this movie, but the trailer is nothing to write home about.

True Story

True Story

What it is: What we’re getting instead of The Interview. I know, tough times indeed.

Pros: +Is Jonah Hill being fat again a pro? Because otherwise, I got nothing.

Cons: -Okay, so I know Jonah Hill and James Franco are big time actors know. That being said, you can’t put them in a movie together and expect me to take it seriously! Way to much mischief in their eyes!

-Way too dramatic of background music!

-Typical thriller movie vagueness.

Overall score: 1/5 stars (I will not go see this movie.)

I’m sorry, but you can’t have a movie with a theme of integrity and cast Hill and Franco has the two leads! This movie contradicts itself on so many levels. Also, please don’t let Jonah Hill with glasses be the new status quo. I still have nightmares from The Wolf of Wall Street.